Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just invented taco cereal.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize