remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
