I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
