he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
