I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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