i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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