I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
