How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
