I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
