The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
