Heybabeimwearingurpanties
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
