I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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