The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
