EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
