We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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