the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
