im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
