you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
