I accidentally had phone sex last night
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
