literally had 100 drinks last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
