New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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