Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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