I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
