all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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