My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
