a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
