I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
