I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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