just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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