the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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