I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We are two peas in an std pod
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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