Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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