Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
