oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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