There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
be right there i have to get my cape
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
