I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
