so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
A+ Viking dick
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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