I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
