come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Drake has all the answers
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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