The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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