I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize