Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
