PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
