Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
PS: I just woke up from my shower
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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