he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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