just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
