I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
