totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
