I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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