i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
