Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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