So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
