why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
