You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
