Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
