How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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