I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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