it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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