Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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