to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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