Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
